They say home is where your heart is. But what if your heart is divided between two and you don't ever feel settled? That's how I feel even after 2 years of leaving from sunny Dubai and shifting to beautiful Toronto.
I made the move to the King of Seasons, Toronto, Canada after getting married in 2020 to the love of my life. I never, ever thought I'd leave Dubai. I was - and still am - very attached to my family and I love my comfort zone. Even on vacations, I would always be waiting to get back home to my room! I remember telling my Mom, if I get married it HAS to be with someone from Dubai. There is no way I am going anywhere else. Little did I know what destiny had in mind for me.
When I met my husband and decided to say YES, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I knew I was taking the right call. This felt 100% right.
I probably cried for 3 months straight on moving to Toronto. Don't get me wrong, I was happy but you know that feeling you get when you haven't slept well? You're a bit dizzy and off-balance. That was me. Everything felt strange. The routine, the smells, the food, the space.
In Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum, Kajol tells Shahrukh Khan in the scene after his grandmother's funeral, 'Yeh humara desh nahi hai, yeh humare log nahi hai' - I'd keep hearing that in my head over and over again.
I mean, I've always been a sensitive and emotional person, but the waves (of emotions) just didn't seem to stop. I would cry every time I'd talk to my parents; I would stare for hours at videos of my niece and I basically felt like my heart was breaking everyday. Marriage is exciting and moving in with your best friend brings so many new adventures but you have to adjust to this new person and their way of living. Combine that with a new country miles and miles away from home and you've got a nice cocktail of emotions waiting to spill.
Toronto has nature and fresh air. Dubai has a bustling life and convenience.
I kept comparing the two and still do. I never realised that I was emotionally attached to food either, but oh boy, did I struggle. All I wanted was hummus beiruti and karak tea - and I got duped so many times in TO, because NOTHING came close to the taste of home. I searched, complained, whined, cried.
To top it off, I was dealing with a health issue and further questioned everything - my body, my actions, the universe, God. My husband tried to be the best support system and kept me strong, as much as he could, god bless him.
Then one day, my therapist said something to me that I still hold close to my heart. She said, "You left behind your mom, dad, sister, niece and friends. And now, you are trying to find all these people within your husband. But you have to remember, he is just your husband and your friend. Not your mom, not your dad, or your sister." It blew my mind when she put it that way. I finally realised that I had to stop trying to fit him into roles that weren't his to begin with. I found a way to communicate my many, many feelings better and things slowly started to fall into place. I found a group of close friends who I could confide in, I found a routine I liked, I started driving and I made two trips to Dubai till I found my health diagnosis. I put in the effort, that others probably didn't even notice; only I knew how hard I worked to adapt. It was a non-stop, 24-hour, day in and day out kind of effort. Most days were exhausting but I kept at it. I tried everything: meditation, yoga, watching mindfulness videos and then I discovered the power of the Universe, positive thinking and positive self-talk. And that my friends is what truly changed my life (more on that in my next post).
I now know that home is not so much the place, it is a mindset. I just have to keep an open mind and embrace the new opportunities and discoveries while also allowing myself grace to be sad occasionally if I miss home. I'm still trying to wade through the feelings I have about living in Toronto and leaving my heart in Dubai, but I do know that I am trying my best every single day. I am very grateful to have two wonderful homes where I can grow.
Home is where I make it to be. 🇦🇪 ❤️ 🇨🇦
This is literally every girl who moves abroad. But I'll tell you what, it gets better with time. Soon TO will be home, and I promise you that. Let the kids come along, home will truly be where you make it to be.